Friday, May 02, 2008

Travel Tips From A Pro

Because I am a brilliant genius, I feel the need to school you on how to pack for a trip. I am really good at it.

First of all, it's important that you don't begin until the last possible second. If you are having goodbye drinks at a bar, save packing for after. That would be really, really, really great.

When you come home and it's 2 in the morning, you won't feel like packing because you're too tired. So turn on the TV! You will be amazed that in fact, Oprah is on at that hour! You won't see a second of it because you will fall asleep on the couch, still wearing your heels and make-up.

At 3, you will wake up with a start and realize that you are what the French call, le screwed. So you will throw most of your clothes into a suitcase and then do the kind of table-swiping motion you've always wanted to perform in a public setting to indicate that you are enraged (although in this case you're not, simply mildly panicked). Sweep all the contents of your desk into one of two suitcases. This jumbled mess will include your passport.

Leave the rest until the morning.

Promise yourself that you will get up right at 7 am!

Sleep until 8.

Lounge and read emails in the morning. It's weird that you don't feel a bigger sense of urgency, what with having to get yourself to the airport and return your rental, but remember, you are a pro at this! I am a proooo.

Get to the airport, return rental and get on the shuttle to watch this crazy family go through a strange dramatic performance for the benefit of everyone else. The overgrown teenage son is the absolute worst and films everything on his camcorder instead of helping his mom bring 10 suitcases off the shuttle. Then he applies deodorant in front of everyone while his family is yelling at him from the sidewalk to get off the bus. As soon as he steps off and the shuttle pulls away, everyone on the crowded bus will begin howling and talking to each other like they're old friends. At this precise moment, while everyone gets to share an impromptu laugh, you will realize that your passport is in one of your suitcases and that you're as big a moron as Deodorant, displaying this fact by accidentally sending the contents of one suitcase spilling across the floor as you yell, "Hello! Hello! Driver! Air Canada please!" and everyone looks at you with a mixture of pity and disdain. (I didn't want to yell, but he passed Air Canada - what could I do?).

Empty the contents of both suitcases on the sidewalk at the terminal. Spend 30 minutes searching. Get really sweaty (it's work!). Have sinking feeling you may have left it at the apartment. Find it. Be relieved.

Get to the counter to check in. The attendant will recognize you from TV but still insist that you transfer 5lbs from one bag to another, because one is over. 5 lbs. What the hell is the point of having been on TV?

While you're doing that and holding up the line, with all your dirty socks and books falling out of both suitcases, one will break. The zipper. You will here a faint, "F you!" from it as it dies.

You will then put the entire suitcase in a plastic bag which means it has no handle and you'll have to huff and puff it to the x-ray area. You're kinda losing your cool at this point but at least you still have that prune pocket that you got this morning when you got your coffee. You eat it angrily (mmm!) in line.

Plan on getting lots of work done on the plane! That's why you saved it all for the last possible second, right? Fall asleep as soon as your bum hits the seat. Like, PASS RIGHT OUT.

Et voila! You're home! Once you get home, you won't be able to find anything you need in the mess that is your luggage so you will wander around without your glasses like a blind zombie and say to Isaac, "Help! I can't see anything!" Pass out again.

Good morning! It's cold here in Toronto.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Last Night In LA

Tonight all my LA friends came out for drinks. I know them all in different ways but they all have one thing in common - they are sooo nice. Skander, who first gave me my apartment keys when I arrived, Kordo who trains me in Runyon Canyon at ungodly hours, Mike, my shows/bars partner-in-crime, Annahita and Sunny, hands-down the cutest, James, with whom I go back all the way to Trinity, Elizabeth who is just the most shit-together lady on earth, Amanda, with whom I got my second Pinkberry of the day and Rebecca and Will, comedians in love.

I'm going to miss them, obviously. Here's a list of things I will also think fondly of and perhaps miss, because you only get these in LA:

- chopped salad, and its bizarro partner, gigantic heads of uncut lettuce covered in dressing and one, giant piece of bread that doubles as a crouton (LA has funny/strange/delicious salads)
- people paid to jiggle signs on street corners - it's fascinating
- people who are so accustomed to driving everywhere that they have literally forgotten how to walk (it drives me crazy as they amble across the street while I wait to turn but it's also strangely endearing, like they're helpless baby animals)
- the weather
- Koreatown
- feeling excited as opposed to being bored
- the smell of the trees
- Pinkberry and tacos (not together, I'm just saying)
- running lines with Amanda and daily stories like the one today about the Hollywood wild child who is up for a part against Amanda - this girl just sat in the audition waiting room mewing at a cat

What I'm looking forward to in Toronto:
- that I'm coming home to Isaac and 3 parties in 3 days - I can't wait to see everyone
- Mom picking me up at the airport
- riding my bike
- walking the streets in my hood
- not living out of my suitcase

Bye LA. It's been nice knowing you.