Friday, May 02, 2008

Travel Tips From A Pro

Because I am a brilliant genius, I feel the need to school you on how to pack for a trip. I am really good at it.

First of all, it's important that you don't begin until the last possible second. If you are having goodbye drinks at a bar, save packing for after. That would be really, really, really great.

When you come home and it's 2 in the morning, you won't feel like packing because you're too tired. So turn on the TV! You will be amazed that in fact, Oprah is on at that hour! You won't see a second of it because you will fall asleep on the couch, still wearing your heels and make-up.

At 3, you will wake up with a start and realize that you are what the French call, le screwed. So you will throw most of your clothes into a suitcase and then do the kind of table-swiping motion you've always wanted to perform in a public setting to indicate that you are enraged (although in this case you're not, simply mildly panicked). Sweep all the contents of your desk into one of two suitcases. This jumbled mess will include your passport.

Leave the rest until the morning.

Promise yourself that you will get up right at 7 am!

Sleep until 8.

Lounge and read emails in the morning. It's weird that you don't feel a bigger sense of urgency, what with having to get yourself to the airport and return your rental, but remember, you are a pro at this! I am a proooo.

Get to the airport, return rental and get on the shuttle to watch this crazy family go through a strange dramatic performance for the benefit of everyone else. The overgrown teenage son is the absolute worst and films everything on his camcorder instead of helping his mom bring 10 suitcases off the shuttle. Then he applies deodorant in front of everyone while his family is yelling at him from the sidewalk to get off the bus. As soon as he steps off and the shuttle pulls away, everyone on the crowded bus will begin howling and talking to each other like they're old friends. At this precise moment, while everyone gets to share an impromptu laugh, you will realize that your passport is in one of your suitcases and that you're as big a moron as Deodorant, displaying this fact by accidentally sending the contents of one suitcase spilling across the floor as you yell, "Hello! Hello! Driver! Air Canada please!" and everyone looks at you with a mixture of pity and disdain. (I didn't want to yell, but he passed Air Canada - what could I do?).

Empty the contents of both suitcases on the sidewalk at the terminal. Spend 30 minutes searching. Get really sweaty (it's work!). Have sinking feeling you may have left it at the apartment. Find it. Be relieved.

Get to the counter to check in. The attendant will recognize you from TV but still insist that you transfer 5lbs from one bag to another, because one is over. 5 lbs. What the hell is the point of having been on TV?

While you're doing that and holding up the line, with all your dirty socks and books falling out of both suitcases, one will break. The zipper. You will here a faint, "F you!" from it as it dies.

You will then put the entire suitcase in a plastic bag which means it has no handle and you'll have to huff and puff it to the x-ray area. You're kinda losing your cool at this point but at least you still have that prune pocket that you got this morning when you got your coffee. You eat it angrily (mmm!) in line.

Plan on getting lots of work done on the plane! That's why you saved it all for the last possible second, right? Fall asleep as soon as your bum hits the seat. Like, PASS RIGHT OUT.

Et voila! You're home! Once you get home, you won't be able to find anything you need in the mess that is your luggage so you will wander around without your glasses like a blind zombie and say to Isaac, "Help! I can't see anything!" Pass out again.

Good morning! It's cold here in Toronto.


Anonymous j said...

AMAZING. This is why nobody should ever leave LA.

4:51 PM  
Blogger mad said...

welcome back to what the french would call, le boring!

4:48 PM  
Blogger eb said...

4:21 AM  
Blogger Wendeh said...

what is a prune pocket? I am intrigued.

4:39 PM  
Blogger eb said...

why are you not here to go to this with me tonight? bedang!


2:37 PM  

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